I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
it's like heaven, but drunker
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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