I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
