the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
