If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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