I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
