I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
