I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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