There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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