Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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