She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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