The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
