I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
