i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Randomize
