Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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