I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
