You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
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