we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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