if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
