You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
