I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
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