Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Pants are for mortals
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
