you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
