Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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