This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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