ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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