I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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