Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
