Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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