When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i think i scared a bird with my dick
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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