He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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