we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
My boob is missing a layer of skin
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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