i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
