New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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