Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
