the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
