Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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