I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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