if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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