My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
