She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
