Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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