when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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