The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
