Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
