i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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