If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
