I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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