would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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