Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
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