wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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