Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize