Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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