my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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