His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
