I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
foreskin is a definite game changer
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
