I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
